Haste and Patience.

Hey Dear Reader,

It’s been long since I told you about my life. You kept asking me when I would speak up. I doubted myself whether I would ever write something. Because to write – you gotta feel something. I feel nothing. Now, if I have to gather up any creativity left in me to write about the hollowness or the small pit of thoughts I ponder about, this post could be it. It is a dead man’s punch, look for yourself whether he has anything up his sleeves.

Jeez. I talk like a person who has seen everything in life and tired by the ugly truth in it. I wish I could sound positive. But nobody does these days. All of my friends these days start the conversation with a note “it’s boring”. I put my effort in making it the most interesting conversation possible but it is either I get tired of doing it all the time or they don’t find it interesting anymore. Even Game of thrones is becoming boring for them.

I wake up every day with a zeal to conquer the world but by the end of the day, I am covered in self-doubt. At some point, I had even reached the “Compare-Despair”. I cannot ever earn that much money like him, I cannot get a girl like her. Such a putz I am. I must be in some kind of never-ending Comatose or a mare’s nest. For now, that is how it feels like. It is survival more than money making.

It took me a lot of time to digest the fact that it has been one year since I left the college. I miss those days when I used to spend an entire day solving word puzzles in Library, binge watching serials in the hostel and wait for all of my 15 friends just to go for dinner. It was like a festival. Every moment crowded with friends. But now, it is different. It is just empty and alone. All I can hear is my own voice. I just cannot be myself. I have to wear a fake attitude. A false bravado. I feel exposed. I feel naked and left to find my clothes. It is not a pretty sight.

There is a harsh truth in everything. You get disappointed when you become aware of it. It changes the way you look at things. It is like reading a book. It is the same lines which convey different meaning every time you read. They say life gets better. No, it gets clearer. Every passing day, the fog clears and you get to see people differently and the whole experience. I wasn’t prepared for any of this. There is the beauty in it. A lost boy finding paths in his journey.

But hey, I did find a reason to wake up in the morning and survive till night. I did find a friend who makes my day bright. In the end, that is how life works. You solve one problem, then the next. And another. One thing at a time and it compounds. Make tiny tweaks, they make the big changes. Just remember, what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.

Thanks for reading.

With Love,

A Fighter.

A Late Journal

Dear Self,

There was a black goat at the grocery shop today. It looked scary. Something told me that it didn’t particularly like me. Before I could calculate the exact time when I should start to run, it had already begun chasing me.

So, What do I do when there is an angry goat is seconds away from doing this to me?

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I am thinking nothing is bad than this. I thought the same the last time I was hurt, confused and left to ponder but I am obliged now to say so. This is the worst summer. This is the lowest point in my life. I wish we had a measure for it so that the next time I’m low, there is a card that tells me “hey, it’s not bad as before, don’t overthink”.

My table, My bed, My cubicle, and all the other things I have an affair with are telling me that I am living a bizarre life.

I have lost people and creativity.

Yet, I still have to be in the race and run.

I support RCB and Arsenal and both have won nothing in last 9 years. I wish starks ruled the Seven Kingdoms but the entire house is now left with a blind girl, a cripple, a bastard, a stupid and a worthless Rickon.

I sit to write down but nothing comes to mind. I move away from the screen and all negative things fill up the empty spaces. I wish my blog was as full as my mind and my mind as empty as plain white paper.

Everyone I am close with are present geographically all over the places and I hardly get to meet them. Texts and phone talks are so cliches, I try to stay away from anything virtual. Sometimes I get tired of talking to myself or feeling lonely in a crowded place. I want to break out.

I am crawling to reach anywhere . Limping, falling on knees, sweating, yielding and then getting back at it again.

I am consistently failing to understand what life is all about. I come up with an understanding. I try to link it with every day’s events and then boom, it turns out that I had it all wrong. I have to decide whether I should look for answers or just leave the question blank.

My thoughts squander over pity things. A face looms over with eyes that aren’t bright, a chin faking an expression, lips trying to say things masking the truth.

I chose to laugh somehow. On the surface. The laugh sometimes becomes hysterical at times because when I expect least from people, they even fail to reach least of my expectations.

I do this.

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So, at this point, as I laugh again, I have to believe that all bad things have an end.

That it is okay to fail.

That the over-hyped “Everything will be alright” and “This too shall pass” are true.

I will press on. I will persevere. I will make time for friends, family, and blog. I will rise up and shine unless life has something else planned for me.

 

 

My Long term Relationship With I Don’t know!

My friend has just lost his job. He had not found the road at all. When he finally did, his boss fired him for coming 5 minutes late to office. He called me from a bus, lost in a city where he knew no one. I didn’t pick up the call. I was in office. I am really tired of telling people this reason  but missing his call was the meanest thing I did being a friend. I called later that night and I was blinded by the sheer sadness it had with it.

He asked me for solutions. Honestly, I didn’t have any. 

He asked me What should he do now. I Didn’t know. 

There was this girl whom I met years ago. What I could make of her first interaction with me was, she is a bad girl. It is not that I judged her right away at the first time but it is my very instinct that categorizes people suddenly. I don’t have a control over it neither it ever stops me from grouping people into the good / bad category.

I cannot figure out anymore. Do we have the right to call someone bad? Even if we had, how will we define bad? Lately, I’ve noticed I had got everything wrong in this perspective. People whom I thought bad are so comforting & good to me now and whom I thought were good, now make me wanna stab them. So, it slowly becomes a puzzle. The notion of Bad.

The same girl recently asked me if she was a bitch. I didn’t know. 

Rahul brought me a band that tracks my fitness level. I set a goal of walking 2000 steps per day. I told myself that I will walk so many steps no matter what. I did 3000 steps that day. I set 4000 as my new goal. I walked 8000 the next day. The app Congratulated me for burning so many grams of fat and calories.

I was happy. I hoped that one day the fat that has built a rubber wall around my belly would someday vanish. I showed the stats to my colleague. He said, “Way to go!”.

The same day, I ate a complete south Indian meal that had more than 25 items in it. The Worst thing is, I ate in front of my colleague.

He asked, “This meal is soo gonna help you burn calories, right?”. Oh, the irony.

It was plumb. I was out of my mind. I don’t know was written all over my face.

My Little brother was doing his science homework. He came to me with a doubt and a curious face asking “can men get pregnant?”. I was more than a little surprised. What has got him thinking like that? “What exactly do you wanna know?” I asked.

“My Science teacher asked us this question after the class and told us to find the answer by tomorrow,” He said.

I asked him to talk with his friends, come back to me and tell what she actually had asked. He came 10 minutes later.

“A male can get pregnant and deliver babies in certain species. She wants to know which animal is that”. He said.

I don’t –  Wait, I knew the answer for this one, though.

“Tell your teacher that it is a seahorse,” I said. I wanted to explain him about how it works but he is a boy. I knew, he’ll come to know eventually. Maybe he already knew, I don’t know.

I’ve always struggled with I don’t know. Like the time when the gravitational waves stretched and squeezed me, I didn’t know what they were. Like the time I wrote 10 pages of crap for a girl, and the universe asked me why I was doing that anyway?.

There are too many things to know. Maybe there is nothing to be known at all. All the explanations can be a woven story we just listen to without questioning.  Digging the Why’s,What’s and How’s can twist your neurons like an earphone cable. You can read books as many as you want but they don’t have the answer for everything.

Maybe life is not about knowing the answers. Maybe life is about finding the answers. When questions hit you in the nuts, you might have to just say ‘owie’ and lie down. Then get up and find what it meant.

My lost friend has a new job now. He is more than happy.

My little brother still sucks at biology.

I’ve hit the goal of 5000 steps, 7 days in a row.

I can talk about gravitational waves for hours if you’re kind enough to listen.

The 10-page crap is finally in the hands of the girl and she now wants me to write the Eulogy for her – The Fault In Our Stars Style!

So I’ll be clueless, but not ignorant. I’ll try to solve 1% of the puzzle if not the whole. 

Thank you, lovely reader. Have a great day.

 

A GAME OF THRONES IS SEXY

I got Laid. For the first time.

I finished and moved aside tired. But she wasn’t. She was lying there, ready to go again. I had ripped her apart but not enough. Maybe an all nighter would not be enough for her. I didn’t even cuddle. I went for an awesome sleep. I woke the next morning. Regretting about last night. But she acted as if she was okay and still fresh.

I am not talking about a girl here. By She, I am referring to “A Game of thrones by George R R Martin”. This book has got me addicted, hooked, laid, and roam around in Bangalore streets thinking about dragons.

It has been just two days since I held the book in my hand and now I cannot resist myself from it. Ever since I dived into this magical realm, I forgot that my life doesn’t have a purpose or goals. My goal is now to finish all the 7 books. Yesterday, I read the book till 2 and I didn’t even turn off the lights or didn’t even keep the book on the table. I slept with a book!

There are hundreds of characters, tens of houses and their sigils, and much more little interesting things in this book. I am afraid I might forget some. Like that Butcher’s boy Mycah. But that is exactly how our lives are.  Do you remember all the teachers and students from your childhood? People whom you might have met and thought you had a connection but now, you don’t know about their existence!.

Life still goes on with the ones whom you do remember. Even if they exist only in your memories just like characters of a book or a movie.

This is the closest to any sexual experience I ever had. I will keep sleeping with the same book. I suggest you to read it. You will get lucky.

Not Telling a Lie is Innocence!

Not Telling a Lie is Innocence

Not knowing this is Ignorance.

Your honesty is their target

They’ll often forget

That your only choice is the truth

And you don’t play any games

or the drama and the plays

nor the deceitful gestures and the faked affections.

You say it quick,

or you don’t say at all

You always tell the truth

That’s an easy call.

Truth doesn’t creep, twist or squirm

It is just a matter of plumb whim

Innocence is not lost to sex,

but to all the lies you tell

to make up for what you did!

You can lie and cheat a person

but beware of your conscience.

But I’ve been cheated by lies, Yes,

Crushed, buried to a point

where I can no longer figure out

Why Truth and Lie are disparate! 

It did take time to crawl back,

get the dust off and give a shot

at writing this prose

with no rhymes but for a reason!

 

Of Pastas and Kisses.

They locked their hands, Unsure of the future, Looking into each other’s eyes, Making Promises.

I just sat there, Eating Pasta, Wondering when will my Cranberry shake arrive. 

They kissed in between when I was checking notification on my phone. Little Pecks. Gentle ones. Just the perfect amount that summarized the whole saga so far.

I just sat there figuring out how to use a fork and a knife to cut chicken. It is tougher than you think. I’ll be judged on my ability to use them when I hang out with FORMAL friends. I figured out but by that time, I had spilled enough on my pants that would attract suspicious looks. 

They were afraid of separation. The distance that keeps them thousands mile away and why she would not let him go back. Tears were lining up for their encore.

Man, were those pasta, really from Italy? Because they tasted like gut. Food is the only good thing happening and even that started to suck. Fuck Pasta. I’m gonna eat chicken. 

They noticed that I was very quiet. He turned to me and said, dude, don’t get into relationships. You’ll get stuck. She turned and said the same but with a different reason that I’ll miss the things which I could do now. They fought. They fought over the fact that their both reasons were different. I took his side and she became angry.

Boy Oh, Boy. How to use a fork and a knife was much easier. They get along. one cuts the chicken, other holds it. How to get back these two love birds to normal was tougher. I was sweating. When I’m nervous or panicking, I crack jokes. I cracked one. They didn’t laugh. 

She kept punching his arms and he pretended that he was hurt. Oh baby, did I hurt you?. They were back again.

My phone’s battery died and I needed a flying broomstick. 

Because, If I am gonna sit in that restaurant alone till they finish kissings, chit chats, I love you’s and I miss you’s, I needed a Thing. Like you know, a hook. 

Like that guy Alan from Two and Half men who makes fun of himself. 

So I figured out, I’ll be ‘crazy man with a flying broomstick’. Then I’ll buy six more broomsticks and say they are for my imaginary friends. Kids won’t walk past my place, they will run. ‘RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY BROOMSTICK MAN’ THEY’LL SHOUT.” 

We finished our food and left the place. He lifted her. He kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye, till he meets her the next time. I gave him bro hug and he left.

I missed him like I missed Clippy.

You remember Clippy?

This is Clippy.

 

clippy

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two weird things.

If Omens were right, I shouldn’t be telling you this story but I am going to take my chances. My blog is already is a mixture of all types of emotions and why not add the weird factor into it.

It is going to be cool if you’re an open minded person but a serious hurdle if you are not. On either case, go ahead. Life is short. Don’t be shy.

It is Saturday. For this day, you wait an entire week thinking I’m going to be relieved by all the stress. I’m going to spend it in such a posh manner that it is going to be on my DP. Too much build up for one single day that everything crashes down to everlasting boredom. The same thing happened to me.

Until I called my friend at 6 pm to ask how her day went.

Weird Conversation 1:

“Hey, Good evening. What’s up?” I asked.
“Nothing. I’m just staying in my room”. She Said.
“What did you do all day?”
“I had sex with an Ostrich”
“You had what with what?” I was as shocked as you are right now.
“It was a one-time thing. An Ostrich fucked me”

She must be definitely kidding. I was just blown away by how did that thought even came to her my mind. I think of wild things too and yes it has definitely landed me to some craziest porn sites but this imagination of her was way ahead and creative than mine.

“So how did you guys do it?” I was curious. My head was already boggled.

“It was on top of me. It did the moving. I was under the big Ostrich. It was tough in the beginning but it all worked out very well in the end.” She said as if it had actually happened.

“Cut the crap idiot. I’m gonna call you an Ostrich Fucker from now on” I said. I cut the call.

Weird Conversation 2:

My friend was having dinner and I had just finished my food. I was looking into a big mirror. My hair looked kinda messy.

“I should probably get a haircut tomorrow,” I said.

“Are you serious? If I had hair like yours I would never do that” He said.

“Hairs are the worst thing that has happened to men. Women have periods and we have hairs growing all over our face. I just hate them” I said.

“So you’d rather bleed? Is that how much you hate shaving or getting your hair cut?”. He asked.

“Eww. Stop it. The problem with my hair is that when I wash it cleanly and go to the office, people ask me, hey, did you wake and just came to office. But when I don’t wash it and when I don’t take the shower, the same people say you look good today!” I almost cried.

“Leave it. It looks good on you and there is another reason why hairs should not be removed”. He said.

People say all kinds of stuff but I heard next was the craziest shit. It made me remove the charger off my phone and leave the room for a while.

“What are you even telling?”. I wore a confused expression.

“Were you sleeping in biology classes? Anyway, I have read that Ancient blah blah blah tells that hairs are the key to good sex life. The more hairs you have, the more you are going to enjoy it. Trust me, it is proven.” He said it in a normal tone. He was not sensing the aura that surrounded me.

He went on.

“If you remove your hair from any part of you body, you are going to lose the most important thing – Sensitivity. That is the essential part of the fore play”.He stopped as I grabbed my jaws from the floor, closed the door behind and left the place.

The Versatile Blogger Award.

I don’t believe in coincidences. There, I said it. I always say boo whenever someone tells me things like “My crush is wearing Grey today. I am wearing Grey too. What a coincidence!!”. Nah! I don’t buy it.

While I acted as if a shooting star had just crashed on my laptop and I had something new to write about, she went on jumping and punching my arms. Elated.

I did the math.

Why did I study Probability? Hmm. To compute the probability of a tall hunk (out of 600+ male employees) wearing a color that is Grey (Lame and out of 10 million set of colors we can see) and also a nice young lady (out of 600+ female employees) wearing the same color.

Wait. This is rare. The probability is so small. I was shocked. Can I call this a “small coincidence”. (“Big Coincidence” being me and Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeting the same thing.)

Then it hit me. She has his number. They might have talked about wearing the same color.

Coincidence = Hokum.

I was delighted and surprised to have been nominated for “The Versatile Blogger Award” by Reshma and Aishwariya . Coincidence?Thanks for reminding my blog out of hundreds you might have visited. This is a great start to 2016 and these are the little things that give me so much of joy.

Reshma is thoughtful, patient and she writes in a pace that can make you relate to every line she writes. Aishwariya, on the other hand, is a coder and a down to earth person who is passionate about writing. Please visit their blog and once you do, I know, you wouldn’t stop until you finish reading all their posts.

What is The Versatile Blogger Award?

The Versatile Blogger Award is given in recognition for the great commitment, diverse talents and generosity shown by bloggers here in our community. There is so much creativity on the show that it is difficult to reduce a list to only a few, but for those nominated it is hoped that it will serve to motivate them as well as celebrate their work till date.

The rules:

  • Nominate at least 15 blogs of your choice.
  • Link your nominees and let them know of your nomination.
  • Share seven different facts about yourself.

So here I go…

7 Facts About Me:

  1. I love to eat till I am 300% full, once in a month. I don’t ever miss doing this. It is strictly followed by a random physical exercise regretting why did I eat so much.
  2. I love Books and Blogs. I read whenever I am not talking to a person. Reading makes me feel how less I know and talking to some people make me feel how less they know.
  3. I make my own theories. I have my own explanation to why things happen the way they happen. They are logical too if you agree to my previous theories.
  4. I write down everything because I forget often. My to do list will have silliest things like “Buy a face wash” “Buy a shampoo”. Any normal Person would write only “Buy a face wash” and just that one thing would be enough to remind him of the other things like shampoo, toothpaste etc. But not me.
  5. I have a fear of heights. The reason I have not reached one.
  6. I sleep a lot. 12 hours on weekends. Out of which 1 hour goes in search of the sleep and wondering when will I sleep.
  7. I am not pompous. I try not to be.

Sigh.

I would like to pass this award on to these lovely bloggers who I have discovered recently. They truly deserve this.

  1. https://sanghamitrachakrabarty.wordpress.com/
  2. https://buddhuaamaadmi.wordpress.com/
  3. https://nimitode.wordpress.com/
  4. https://mamtadagar1896.wordpress.com/
  5. https://srishtiwalia.wordpress.com/
  6. https://vaayadipennu.wordpress.com/
  7. https://literatureismyporn.wordpress.com/
  8. http://thebikinibookworm.com/
  9. https://saharaina.wordpress.com/
  10. http://richardankers.com/
  11. https://hurtafew.wordpress.com/
  12. https://poemhobby.wordpress.com/
  13. https://rahulyn.wordpress.com/
  14. https://theamusedmind.wordpress.com/
  15. https://notionlux.wordpress.com/

 

1/1/2016

 

You know What? I’m So happy today!

You know Why? Because I could fuck up dd/mm format and you wouldn’t know it.

I’m working in my office today, Yeah, You heard me right.

Hari called me to wish today.

“Hey bro, Happy new year!!!!!!” He wished.

“Happy Birthday Dude!” I wished at the same time as he did.

“It’s not my birthday today”. He was confused.

“I’m sorry, I’m too stupid, Happy new year bro. It’s the third time I’m wishing someone Happy birthday instead of Happy new year. Anyway, Happy new year bro”. I said, disgusted.

“Man, I tell ya, We had a party, we danced, drank and I don’t remember the rest but It was Legendary bro!!” He said.

“Wow, That is soo cool”.

“What did you do bro” He asked me.

“I took a shower, I went to a temple and now I am in Office”. I said.

“Whaat, That is all you did? Don’t you bathe everyday? What unforgettable and special about that?”

“Hello, you drink every week. you dance when you are drunk. So Except if your friends were not from ISIS, I cannot consider your new year bash as Legendary”. I said.

“Dude, Come on, It’s 1/1/2016/. It’s gonna be in my memory forever because this day doesn’t repeat! Ever.” His Justification.

“Then the Shower I’ll take on 2/1/2016 is gonna be special too coz tomorrow doesn’t repeat! Ever”. I said just waiting for him to fall into a trap that I was setting.

“Listen. Today marks the start of a new year”. He was annoyed.

“What about the other 364 who are just as important as today and constitute 2016. You just celebrate one day say it’s special and interesting? What is gonna change in one day except the calendar? Don’t even get me started on the Interesting day paradox”

All days are interesting. The proof is by contradiction: if there exists a non-empty set of uninteresting days, there would be a oldest uninteresting day – but the oldest uninteresting day is itself interesting because it is the oldest uninteresting day, producing a contradiction.

“Woah! I didn’t understand a thing. It all went over my head but yeah, You may be correct. You’re still into maths, writing and stuff and I am into drinking, road trips and stuffs. Years change but this taste of Heineken doesn’t. Although, You know what I can suggest, try to be less Sarcastic in 2016 bro”.

“Ya Sure” I said.

“Now, Was that sarcastic?” He asked.

“No. It was not” I giggled.

“I don’t wanna get into “The sarcastic paradox”, So bye, Have a great year”

“You too”.

I hung up.

So Happy New Year Everyone!

Not Everyone, Just the ones who are reading this, My readers and fellow bloggers. Because it is You, who make me sit down in front of this myriad years old computer and type my heart out. Have a great year and make good memories in 2016 that you’re actually gonna remember on, I don’t know, DEC 2016.

 

 

 

 

The Wait!

 

A void engulfed the Chambers,

All four of them

Hurting and healing at the same time

The head bent low, down,

Staring at the random thing

Thinking, why am I not thinking about anything?

It longed for confusions!

 

I was facing consequences

Of not knowing

What the size of space and

Longevity of Time is.

Space and the gap it crates

Time and the bridges it collapses

A lot to contemplate

A lot to swallow

 

Unswerving I stayed

For I knew,

I could prove Space and Time wrong

I could vanquish

If I showed them

That we have grown to be the same

Through incalculable span in time

That we have fought to be together

Though we are miles apart in Space

 

I had reached,

Well before

Waiting for the light to fall

On a heavenly existence that is she,

And radiate

Glaring rays that could burnish

The ever so dull volume bounding me

 

The song had stopped

It was just a mute earphone

The book had been closed

Only a crafted cover on a cuboid

The table was empty

Just a cold glass balanced on 4 invisible legs

And quiet me,

With earphones, holding a book

And tapping legs nervously under the table.

 

It seemed that

The wait was long,

As long as the time itself

That It kept stretching

To check my patience

The wait tarried

My nemesis,

Since I last saw her.

 

But when she came

Through the portal

Every event that led

To this point in space-time

Made sense

Was meaningful

And was worth the wait!