The One about How Stupid I am.

If my understanding of the world is correct, then, it must be true that the only way to look cool today is by doing less stupid things. This world is full of stupid people. You cannot be intelligent and smart. You can only be less stupid than the others. Just like in maths exam, you might have gotten the final answer wrong but there will be another guy, who would have taken wrong values of X and Y. Not any of this is reflected in this post but while you’re reading this, at some point, you can relate how stupid I was and how less stupid I could have been. Next time you see me, you can come to me and say, “I’ve been more stupid than you” or say, “Compared to me, you are just a baboon with a B.E Degree”.

Let’s cut to the chase.

My friends had planned for a weekend getaway. Since, I don’t go out too much, I agreed to join them so that I can get some fresh air outside the workplace. To be super honest, my workplace stinks of armpits, socks and compilation errors. As the weekend neared, I grew more excited. The day had arrived. Friday. I was just 12 hours away from meeting 3 new people from work, in a place miles away. I was just 24 hours away from getting texts from one of those three people saying “You’re not like how you look”. I was just 24 hours and 1 minute away from looking at my phone screen and laughing, “why do people keep confounding me for a different person”.

But, shit happened. There were drummers outside the office who had just finished a masterclass performance and were ready for an encore. I am a shy person so I had avoided the dance on the previous occasion. But on Friday, I was plain stupid. I was mesmerized by their performance so some idiot part of my brain pushed me to a pool of sweating men, dancing to their own beats. I kept my glasses inside my pocket and went like this.

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Few minutes later, A guy nudged me and handed me something saying “are these yours?”. Yes, they were mine. My broken glasses. That was a sign that, in 24 hours and 1 minute, I’ll be staring at a blurred screen. I still kept dancing and when the beat stopped I noticed that I had hurt myself. The hard nail of my left leg’s thumb had come off. Almost come off and had started to bleed a little. All my predictions about the next 24 hours were flushed down the toilet.

My stupid saga didn’t end there. The sad part of it.

Today, it repeated. Only worse.

A very close friend of mine had moved to Bangalore, a month back. I hadn’t met her because I WAS BUSY? 

I went to the place she had shared the location of. Google maps, I love you. I was happy to see her. She still carried that charm she had it in college. She had only grown prettier ever since. (Spoiler: She has a boyfriend and it is not me). She is Khaleesi and I am Ser Jorah Mormont. I don’t why I keep referencing Game of Thrones, but you’ll know how good this comparison is if you have watched the show. 

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We talked near her bike until our legs started to hurt. We then moved to a quiet place and sat on a bench. We talked there until mosquitoes sucked 2 liters of our blood. We then moved a Cafe Coffee day and A lot DID happen over a coffee.

It was my second time in my life that I had gone to a CCD. Both times, I was getting paid. Or else which stupid on earth would pay such amount of money for a cup of coffee. Last time, I had gone with my best bros. Rahul and Shubham. They had ordered and I drank all of it without even knowing the name of the thing I was drinking.

Life has come full circle. Today, as the waitress handed me the menu, I didn’t know what to order. Every item on the menu was something similar which I might have heard in a sitcom or read in a book. But, I didn’t know what was what and what tasted how.

Think Einstein, think.

I thought of flipping the pages in serious look to make an impression that the items in the current page weren’t interesting but unfortunately, it was one long sheet. I checked twice if the pages had got stuck. Nope. It was just one piece of paper with words I had no idea of.

Just yesterday, I was searching “what is the drag coefficient of tassels in flying carpets?”. Just Yesterday, I was reading about the mandelbrot set  of complex numbers. And today, I didn’t know, as simple thing as the difference between a cappuccino and a latte. Or even, what they were. If you are thinking of kow towing me for mentioning two things you haven’t heard in your lifetime, step back. I am the knowledgeable stupid who doesn’t know what a cappuccino is. 

I looked at her casually and told her to order something. It was a desperate attempt to come out of this uncomfortable situation, but she told “you please order na”. I took my phone and texted every BRO I knew on this earth. I even pinged a girl, who is my bro ( No, Barnabus Stinson, I haven’t let her read the Bro code.)

Nobody replied. I ordered the second thing on the menu just by reading it out as if I consume it every day.

“Two regular cappuccino please”. Here is how I said cappuccino – KAPPUCHCHEENOO.

“What flavor Sir?”.

That was it. I didn’t know a shit about anything.

“What flavors are there?”.

She muttered some few names I had never heard and stopped at Chocolate.

“Chocolate Flavor, Please”.

I wanted her to just vanish and bring the fucking thing. But no, She still asked another question.

“You need any sandwiches. We have a combo offer”.

Meri maa, just bring two chocolate flavored hot cappuccinos for Jesus Christ’s sake.

She brought two cappuccinos and placed them on our table. The tray had, two cappuccinos, some sugar,  tissue papers and spoons. Another conundrum. Should I drink it from the cup or from the spoon? 

I came up with too many hypotheses on why a spoon was provided and whether I should drink it from the cup or not. I applied Occam’s Razor too. This time, it was bro Gautham to rescue me from any further embarrassments. While I was waiting for her to start so that I can follow her lead, he had texted me to go with the hypothesis that says “Spoon for mixing the sugar, Cup for drinking the Cappuccino”.

All this time, I hadn’t given my attention was to a single thing she was saying. I was just nodding to every sentence she ended. She didn’t know how many things I had in my mind during all this. She will know after reading this. We finished our cappuccinos and it ended well overall. I waved her goodbye and as I walked towards the bus stop, I said to myself “You have so many things to learn apart from physics and computers, because, Life is hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid “.

To Stupidity and Beyond.

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12 thoughts on “The One about How Stupid I am.

  1. mnrahulkini94

    The CCD drama isn’t that unfamiliar to me!! It happened to me twice… Even after a couple of visits to CCD, I know nothing about their menu, well, other than their exorbitant prices of course! And I haven’t paid the bill even once… But tried ordering every time. And I really don’t know how these girls know every item on the menu, even without looking at it. Do they Google just before meeting us there or do they really know it all!!?

    Reply
  2. Lulu

    My friend, you are not stupid! Just as you acquired so much wisdom regarding engineering and such, through your education, you acquire the knowledge of living by living. Yes, sometimes our glasses get broken, but we should keep living every moment with the kind of abandon you displayed when dancing! No fear! 🙂

    Reply
  3. Wandering Soul

    Meri maa, just bring two chocolate flavored hot cappuccinos for Jesus Christ’s sake.

    was laughing hysterically at that line.
    something similar happened to me once, when I was ordering Tea somwhere. the list of options made my head spin. I actually felt like telling the server, oh bhai, tu desi, main desi. plain, simple chai chahiye, please.
    Next time, just go for a Cafe Mocha – with extra cream on top, sugar separate and no additional flavours (mocha has chocolate in it) 😉

    Thanks for the follow 🙂

    Reply
    1. chiruhr Post author

      tu desi, main desi. plain, simple chai chahiye, please. LOL.

      I feel telling the same in many hotels. You’re funny :D. I’m taking a screenshot and ordering what you’e suggested me now. 😛

      *High Five*

      Reply

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