I strongly believe that I have not been too Candid in my blogs. I say things and then just put some imaginative stuffs to make them sound fancy. So here I am, in this simple and plain post telling you about my life.
I started college with a shite understanding of what college meant. I hardly knew the spelling. Collage or College? eh. when I joined, I was told that if I took care of writing exams and scoring good, everything will eventually fall into pieces. I believed in the same idea and confined myself around the feeling less species called books. I never studied from xerox and I just loved purchasing books and reading every line like a nerd.
I enjoyed it because I was doing what I believed that would make a successful person. Ultimately everyone wants a successful ending and a perfect life. I somehow felt that I was doing just the right thing.
Then I met this guy who was incredibly intelligent in all the technology aspects. It just surprised me how different we were, being of the same age. I eventually became jealous of his immense knowledge and realized all the bookish concepts are bullshit if I didn’t know where exactly they were used.
We became friends. Then we became best buddies. We bought the same phone. When I held the phone and talked to him about it’s specifications, our discussion involved so many words that you don’t find in textbooks. He would learn something new and used to tell it instantly. These little things amazed me.
I wanted to learn more. When my friends were getting drunk and getting laid, I was surfing theverge.com and was having knowledge-gasm.
In the beginning, I used to stay away from hangouts and night outs. Later, I was left out. This didn’t sadden me, instead I dug too deep to find more.
A year later, I became desperate for a job. Getting a job meant success then. I got one and someone finally had found me useful. I had done it. So I left college thinking that all my struggles are over.
So 4 years of uphill struggle and from now on, it’ll all be smooth I thought. I’ve had enough of mugging, copying, writing exams and stalking my crush like a creep.
When I started working, here’s how my life went.
1st Week : Hell yea, I’m a professional. Look at all the smart people here.
2nd Week: Wait, This is something new. Something fun.
3rd Week: This isn’t what I studied or read. But I’m learning something cool.
4th week : Fuck knowledge, Fuck being desperate for money. I got my first salary, so Middle finger to growth and doing what you love.
5th Week : Oh no, This isn’t what I ordered.
6th Week : Is there a reverse button to my life somewhere. I just wanna go few months back.
2nd Month : What Am I doing?
3rd month : Why Am I still doing?
I broke down. It was all just too hard to accept. May be I had set bars too high for myself. I had over thought and dreamed of fantasies. Life was taking it’s toll. I just couldn’t breathe.
I was walking down the lane and just collapsed. I just sat and watched people go by, the vehicles and the city life. Rahul called me and asked why I wasn’t in the PG yet. I told him i’m on my way and continued staying in a state of reverie. I was stressed the whole time. I tried to be ubiquitous studying for other exams, joining a course and acting in a short film. I threw my hands at everything.
All this attempts lead me nowhere. While I was trying too much, thinking too much and planning too much, Life happened. I gave up everything because I couldn’t change it. I had lost it. I didn’t know what I was doing.
Some more days passed. I started writing a Journal. I read blogs and lots and lots of books. I even wrote more on my blog. I made friends. I went out and had good food. All these little things finally made me to settle mentally and not worry too much at this time.
I slowed down. I got adjusted to the pace of the universe.
I am still doing the same job but I don’t know if everything i did for last
4 years 4 moths make sense or not, but I am content. I am in love with present tense 🙂