Haste and Patience.

Hey Dear Reader,

It’s been long since I told you about my life. You kept asking me when I would speak up. I doubted myself whether I would ever write something. Because to write – you gotta feel something. I feel nothing. Now, if I have to gather up any creativity left in me to write about the hollowness or the small pit of thoughts I ponder about, this post could be it. It is a dead man’s punch, look for yourself whether he has anything up his sleeves.

Jeez. I talk like a person who has seen everything in life and tired by the ugly truth in it. I wish I could sound positive. But nobody does these days. All of my friends these days start the conversation with a note “it’s boring”. I put my effort in making it the most interesting conversation possible but it is either I get tired of doing it all the time or they don’t find it interesting anymore. Even Game of thrones is becoming boring for them.

I wake up every day with a zeal to conquer the world but by the end of the day, I am covered in self-doubt. At some point, I had even reached the “Compare-Despair”. I cannot ever earn that much money like him, I cannot get a girl like her. Such a putz I am. I must be in some kind of never-ending Comatose or a mare’s nest. For now, that is how it feels like. It is survival more than money making.

It took me a lot of time to digest the fact that it has been one year since I left the college. I miss those days when I used to spend an entire day solving word puzzles in Library, binge watching serials in the hostel and wait for all of my 15 friends just to go for dinner. It was like a festival. Every moment crowded with friends. But now, it is different. It is just empty and alone. All I can hear is my own voice. I just cannot be myself. I have to wear a fake attitude. A false bravado. I feel exposed. I feel naked and left to find my clothes. It is not a pretty sight.

There is a harsh truth in everything. You get disappointed when you become aware of it. It changes the way you look at things. It is like reading a book. It is the same lines which convey different meaning every time you read. They say life gets better. No, it gets clearer. Every passing day, the fog clears and you get to see people differently and the whole experience. I wasn’t prepared for any of this. There is the beauty in it. A lost boy finding paths in his journey.

But hey, I did find a reason to wake up in the morning and survive till night. I did find a friend who makes my day bright. In the end, that is how life works. You solve one problem, then the next. And another. One thing at a time and it compounds. Make tiny tweaks, they make the big changes. Just remember, what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.

Thanks for reading.

With Love,

A Fighter.

The Versatile Blogger Award.

I don’t believe in coincidences. There, I said it. I always say boo whenever someone tells me things like “My crush is wearing Grey today. I am wearing Grey too. What a coincidence!!”. Nah! I don’t buy it.

While I acted as if a shooting star had just crashed on my laptop and I had something new to write about, she went on jumping and punching my arms. Elated.

I did the math.

Why did I study Probability? Hmm. To compute the probability of a tall hunk (out of 600+ male employees) wearing a color that is Grey (Lame and out of 10 million set of colors we can see) and also a nice young lady (out of 600+ female employees) wearing the same color.

Wait. This is rare. The probability is so small. I was shocked. Can I call this a “small coincidence”. (“Big Coincidence” being me and Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeting the same thing.)

Then it hit me. She has his number. They might have talked about wearing the same color.

Coincidence = Hokum.

I was delighted and surprised to have been nominated for “The Versatile Blogger Award” by Reshma and Aishwariya . Coincidence?Thanks for reminding my blog out of hundreds you might have visited. This is a great start to 2016 and these are the little things that give me so much of joy.

Reshma is thoughtful, patient and she writes in a pace that can make you relate to every line she writes. Aishwariya, on the other hand, is a coder and a down to earth person who is passionate about writing. Please visit their blog and once you do, I know, you wouldn’t stop until you finish reading all their posts.

What is The Versatile Blogger Award?

The Versatile Blogger Award is given in recognition for the great commitment, diverse talents and generosity shown by bloggers here in our community. There is so much creativity on the show that it is difficult to reduce a list to only a few, but for those nominated it is hoped that it will serve to motivate them as well as celebrate their work till date.

The rules:

  • Nominate at least 15 blogs of your choice.
  • Link your nominees and let them know of your nomination.
  • Share seven different facts about yourself.

So here I go…

7 Facts About Me:

  1. I love to eat till I am 300% full, once in a month. I don’t ever miss doing this. It is strictly followed by a random physical exercise regretting why did I eat so much.
  2. I love Books and Blogs. I read whenever I am not talking to a person. Reading makes me feel how less I know and talking to some people make me feel how less they know.
  3. I make my own theories. I have my own explanation to why things happen the way they happen. They are logical too if you agree to my previous theories.
  4. I write down everything because I forget often. My to do list will have silliest things like “Buy a face wash” “Buy a shampoo”. Any normal Person would write only “Buy a face wash” and just that one thing would be enough to remind him of the other things like shampoo, toothpaste etc. But not me.
  5. I have a fear of heights. The reason I have not reached one.
  6. I sleep a lot. 12 hours on weekends. Out of which 1 hour goes in search of the sleep and wondering when will I sleep.
  7. I am not pompous. I try not to be.

Sigh.

I would like to pass this award on to these lovely bloggers who I have discovered recently. They truly deserve this.

  1. https://sanghamitrachakrabarty.wordpress.com/
  2. https://buddhuaamaadmi.wordpress.com/
  3. https://nimitode.wordpress.com/
  4. https://mamtadagar1896.wordpress.com/
  5. https://srishtiwalia.wordpress.com/
  6. https://vaayadipennu.wordpress.com/
  7. https://literatureismyporn.wordpress.com/
  8. http://thebikinibookworm.com/
  9. https://saharaina.wordpress.com/
  10. http://richardankers.com/
  11. https://hurtafew.wordpress.com/
  12. https://poemhobby.wordpress.com/
  13. https://rahulyn.wordpress.com/
  14. https://theamusedmind.wordpress.com/
  15. https://notionlux.wordpress.com/

 

Of Droplets and Thoughts

They stood still like they were cautious that everything might collapse. They were holding onto something which only a poet or an artist can understand. No one around them made a sound. They would fall any minute. I knew, but I simply watched them play their part. I had woken up and it had rained heavily. Looked like everything was repainted for something new.

Through the window, I looked at the streets. The window had been washed and was clean as a crystal with some water drops caught in a web. Oh the drops of water. Did the rain gods scattered you on what they thought was a Cartesian plane? Because I think you have been eclectically sprinkled on this glass sheet so as to capture your fall.

As I breathed through my mouth, the window glass became a unfathomable mystery. A moment later, the glass was Lucid again. The breathing duties were shifted back to my nose. It was very calm. The bus danced through Indian roads but their ability to stand still was uncanny.

I started to count. 23 water droplets stuck on a 2D plane. Not aware of any chaos around. After I got in the bus, I was very angry at myself for not bringing an earphone. There was no network signal to even chat or call. May be it had to be like that. Me going on a journey from office to a better place. And most importantly, spending time with myself.

Watching these droplets was the only thing I did. Many villages passed behind the glass but my gaze was constant. Can I connect myself to them? Do they know they’re being watched? 

A sudden break was applied and the drops moved down few centimeters. They followed a similar pattern as if they all had decided, they would all go down together. It was peaceful. Minutes later, I was feeling less anxious. I was wondering whether my thoughts could be like them. Undisturbed.

I started to speak to them. I felt weird and stupid. But I knew they were listening. My thoughts were parallel with the droplets but on a different plane. They were still too. I wished they stayed the same. I smiled and saw my face distorted in each of the droplets. I had studied in Physics why they tend to have a spherical shape but laughed again because frankly, I didn’t understand a thing about surface tension. The surface tension in my mind was momentarily gone and I was just happy about that.

Then came a Juggernaut of a water drop out of nowhere and rolled right through the middle of this abstract canvas and what remained was just the debris. The new picture made no sense to me as the previous beauty did. I opened the window and my village was near. My thought which were still now went back to being squandered and a recondite analogy was just evidenced stronger.   

 

Starlight Blogger Award.

Hurray! I have been nominated for another award. As I sit today with piles of thoughts to answer the questions asked by my lovely fellow blogger – Swatii , I would like to thank her for the nomination. In blogging terms, she is an ace, a pro and someone whom I follow to better myself. It is such an honor to be nominated by such talented writer. Just when I thought of giving up on blogging, this happened. I should stop playing Coldplay’s Lost now. 

Here I try to answer the questions by typing exactly what my inner voice tells me.

Not-to-be-changed rules:

Thank the giver and link their blog to your post.
Answer the 3 questions given to you. Nominate Others.

1. If ever given a task to write a book, which topic you will hop on to?

I would suck at writing books. The prime reason is my thoughts are so scattered that I get really nervous while writing anything more than 1000 words. I might be needing a neural magnifying glass to concentrate all my thoughts to one place. But since it is a hypothetical question where I am normal in psychological terms, the topic I will hop on to is “time travel”. I would have likely got an aww if I had sad “Love/Romance”, but I feel I am too old for that stuff.

2. How do you define *LIFE*?

               That – Hyphen written in between date of birth and date of death, is life. In that little hyphen, you take birth, smile, cry, work, play, sing, dance, inhale, exhale, make love, awkwardly watch people making love, befriend, cheat, parent, Facebook, twitter, drink, smoke, lust, get old, and no matters how many times you didn’t take bath, you DIE. All during that little Hyphen. 

3. *Emotions* – How do they guide an existence?
               Having emotions is what makes us human. Not having emotions makes you call a person – an Animal. We humans have survived till today because, since the day it all started, hunting for food and living in caves, it has been about having each other’s back, sharing feelings, and being there during the worst times. Funny, Charles Darwin didn’t include this in his theory.

Heck Yeah! Another one completed. Great ride.

My Nominees to the same are

1. Jagriti
2. Sonam
3. Shiva
4. Swagath
5. Siddharth

The three questions from my muggle head are,

1. Do you believe in Luck? Why?
2. What is the strangest thing you have experienced?
3. What is a challenge according to you?

Do participate. I am checking my notifications for answers 😛

Happy Blogging
Chiranjeevi HR

Psychedelic nights

Welcome My Dearest Friend Swagath to Blogosphere. Witty brat’s satirical musings are something you should never miss . Follow him and Give the bloke a thumbs up !!

Musings to Pocketful of Sunshine

“Life is a battle between you and yourself” thehqdefaulty say, one such battle for me that has always kept me on the losing side is sleeping during nights. My day starts when most call it a day and my day ends when most call it a night. My literal days seems too shorter compared to the lengthier nights I spend. Popularly known as insomnia, it is considered to be abnormal for health but for me it has been a cultivated lifestyle that I can brag about telling “sleep is for the weak”. Psychology seconds me telling nocturnal people are more intellectual. Jokes and obsession apart, it is certainly weird to be awake listening to George Harrison at 4 in the morning. During my earlier hostel days I would dream all night with my eyes open, after the inception of mobiles Google, Facebook and Wikipedia have been my best friends…

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The Coding Enigma

Out of hundred reasons why I never felt engineering suited me, Coding is the Number one. Honestly, I thought Computer Science and Engineering was about those three icons you see on desktop and MS Office.  With that idea in my mind, I chose CSE. My heroic saga dates back to 2004 when I had prepared a Power Point Presentation with Sound effects, Designed my name using WordArt in MS Office and painted the round Pepsi logo. Those were proud moments. Back then and until I opened CCP textbooks, I thought those basic things were sufficient. With a fine i5 laptop and a full framed black glass, I was all set to top the class.

The first test went excellent. What is a computer? Functional units, Generations, Von Neumann Concepts and blah blah blah. The hitches came when Programming was being taught. The working of a computer was actually more than “kicking the power button of CPU until the yellow light flashes”. Everyone with PCMC background seemed to follow the flow but I was searching for blank faces just like mine. How the fuck can this computer be intelligent and self-efficient, if it can’t do everything by itself. The Sum of Two numbers was the first program I wrote down and it was all strange and meaningless to me.
Each day, some new concepts were taught and only common thing in all of them were the header files. After checking twice, what’s written on the board, I was shocked to see I had written “studio.h”.

In the first lab test, I had got the simplest of all. A 15 line program. That’s how I used to identify them, by counting number of lines. I barfed everything I know from late night studies and started typing. When I compiled, there was this one error that had something to do with the declaration of the variable. I don’t remember the exact message but who gives a hoot. Everyone passed by me whispered something unclear and I couldn’t make anything of it. At the beginning I made “seriously trying hard to edit this code” face but that didn’t work either. Two hours and there were just 3 bright students left in the lab. “If you cannot execute these simple programs, then what will you do in the next semesters?” my teacher asked. No one replied.  May be I’ll copy all the programs to a pen drive and bring it like all the smart students did.  My roll no was called for Viva.

The first question she asked watching my programming ability was “Why did you take CS?”. With a puzzled face and doubtful voice, I said “Passion”. I always believe big fancy words can have some serious impact. By her expressions, I figured out she is going to launch some nukes in few seconds. But she took some time before the kill. “What Languages do you know?” she asked. kannada, English, Hindi, telugu popped suddenly and they were technically correct answers but she would have slapped me right away if I had muttered those. “I am a PCMB student, I studied biology. I am learning C in this semester” I said frankly. She was annoyed by how I said it. “Biology? Then why are you here?” she asked and her tone gained some high frequencies.

As soon as she said the word Biology, it reminded me of some good old days. See, Biology is my favorite subject. It taught me reproduction and some other processes I didn’t even bother listening to. With diagrams and explanations on how to make babies, I wondered how time flew during biology classes. The textbook had everything – funny names to human private parts and ………

“Don’t be silent! Say something” she yelled. My mind was somewhere else and I still had no answers. “Engineering has scope now so I chose it” I replied. Next few minutes brought me more agony than a south Indian love story that doesn’t have happy ending.

From that day, it only has gotten worse. As I moved to next semester, I had to deal with countless programs and errors. Then came C++. No comments on C++ as it made me feel “I’d rather learn Finnish”. My mini project had 2500 lines of code I still have no idea of what they mean. Computer Graphics and Microprocessor were more complex than a David Lynch movie. As times passed, only the color of the error messages changed. In the end, all I can say is, If you want to see fear in an engineer’s eye, tell him to write a CODE.  

Being Normal.

Do you wear the same dress everyday?
Do you just for a moment,Wonder,
if that person in the mirror is you?
Was your today just like yesterday?
Or have no idea about tomorrow?

Do you hide your food?
Do you walk around in boxers?
Do you dance like a heated popcorn?
Do you Fart out loud when you’re alone!
Do you pee till there is a Pee-rgasm?

Is your tooth brush on your socks?
Is your underwear still wet from shover?
Have you stopped oiling your hair?
Are there too many icons on your screen?
Do you blow up a conversation too Early?
Are you near a socket charging your phone?
Are you too hairy but you just don’t care?
Are you 20, fat, haven’t had your first kiss?
You are trying impress nobody but still looking for a lucky day?

Is your answer YES to all these questions?
Yeah! We’re normal people.
We have small dreams,
That’s where we are headed,
Being reckless is our style,
We have a rich lovely smile!
We let our fate decide things,
Our thoughts are scattered,
But hey, we are just doing fine.

Trying to be cool

By dancing to my own tunes,
By breaking out all the shackles,
By laughing at muses that don’t make sense,
By singing a song that has no rhymes,
By mocking genuine “Me”,
By masking a scar like I was never hurt,
By putting on a fake show of face,
By making choices to impress others,
By going berserk over thing that don’t matter,
I’m Trying to be cool.

I hope I don’t lose myself in the process,
A pulse of heart is all I possess,
I’ll be a swash and I’ll be a swagger,
Coz it’s never too old to be like Mick Jagger.

FriendZoned Forever

Read this post. Share 🙂

Stoney Submissions

Are you in the dreaded friendzone? Or, have you ever put a women into the friendzone? It’s amazing how, many people get stuck in this mysterious zone. One of the most overused terms when it comes down to dating is “the friendzone”. Dating is not for the faint hearted, but when you find the one, it is well worth the madness.
What you think? You think you could have fun in hell with her? When you feel comfortable with her, you can just be yourself. Whatever man is lucky enough to end up with a women, I know one thing. He will never be bored..!!!

Yeah..!! Its time..!! Its time to share few words with all you people regarding a person who got out of the friendzone permanently. It doesn’t really matter whether these words are related to me or my friend or any person in this world. This…

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It’s Time

God, it’s 28 past 12. And I am way too sleepy to write anything so please give this poor eyes some sleep. For that to happen I have to close my eyes first correct ?. That won’t help because my mind is in disarray already and thinks more a lot these days.

It all started when my uncle sat next to me and said “you are not a child anymore. You are a person with responsibilities”. I gave him a mature nod and he patted me.That moment I realized I cannot expect him to bring chocolates or diet coke on Sundays anymore. Not a big deal but also he wanted me to bring stuff to home from the next Sunday. It’s not the duties which worries me, it’s the question ” will I be the guy what he wants me to be”.

The whole “being responsible” thing has been hard on me. It’s like I have come too far to change anything. I remember the day when I decided on a thing by tossing a coin. But now Every decision has to be given a lot of thought. Heavy steps and a huge burden. The load seems to be getting multiplied every day. I cannot follow the same routine which I have been following since years.I have carried myself in a way which feels weird to others. Not which they complain about but it’s almost clear from the faces they make. I would rather live freely and act stupid than be a fake lying bastard.

May be I should let go off the fears and nightmares. They are the worst kind. They come everyday and remind me of what might happen. And then there is Murphy’s law to ruin my peace of mind. When will we ever be free of pressure? When will we stop worrying about unchangeable?. I liked it when all I had to care about was if nails are cut on Monday. Fuck changes. They are never good. People say but it’s not.