The Wait!

 

A void engulfed the Chambers,

All four of them

Hurting and healing at the same time

The head bent low, down,

Staring at the random thing

Thinking, why am I not thinking about anything?

It longed for confusions!

 

I was facing consequences

Of not knowing

What the size of space and

Longevity of Time is.

Space and the gap it crates

Time and the bridges it collapses

A lot to contemplate

A lot to swallow

 

Unswerving I stayed

For I knew,

I could prove Space and Time wrong

I could vanquish

If I showed them

That we have grown to be the same

Through incalculable span in time

That we have fought to be together

Though we are miles apart in Space

 

I had reached,

Well before

Waiting for the light to fall

On a heavenly existence that is she,

And radiate

Glaring rays that could burnish

The ever so dull volume bounding me

 

The song had stopped

It was just a mute earphone

The book had been closed

Only a crafted cover on a cuboid

The table was empty

Just a cold glass balanced on 4 invisible legs

And quiet me,

With earphones, holding a book

And tapping legs nervously under the table.

 

It seemed that

The wait was long,

As long as the time itself

That It kept stretching

To check my patience

The wait tarried

My nemesis,

Since I last saw her.

 

But when she came

Through the portal

Every event that led

To this point in space-time

Made sense

Was meaningful

And was worth the wait!

Pouring it Out.

I strongly believe that I have not been too Candid in my blogs. I say things and then just put some imaginative stuffs to make them sound fancy. So here I am, in this simple and plain post telling you about my life.

I started college with a shite understanding of what college meant. I hardly knew the spelling. Collage or College? eh. when I joined,  I was told that if I took care of writing exams and scoring good, everything will eventually fall into pieces. I believed in the same idea and confined myself around the feeling less species called books. I never studied from xerox and I just loved purchasing books and reading every line like a nerd.

I enjoyed it because I was doing what I believed that would make a successful person. Ultimately everyone wants a successful ending and a perfect life. I somehow felt that I was doing just the right thing.

Then I met this guy who was incredibly intelligent in all the technology aspects. It just surprised me how different we were, being of the same age. I eventually became jealous of his immense knowledge and realized all the bookish concepts are bullshit if I didn’t know where exactly they were used.

We became friends. Then we became best buddies. We bought the same phone. When I held the phone and talked to him about it’s specifications, our discussion involved so many words that you don’t find in textbooks. He would learn something new and used to tell it instantly. These little things amazed me.

I wanted to learn more. When my friends were getting drunk and getting laid, I was surfing theverge.com and was having knowledge-gasm.

In the beginning, I used to stay away from hangouts and night outs. Later, I was left out. This didn’t sadden me, instead I dug too deep to find more.

A year later, I became desperate for a job. Getting a job meant success then. I got one and someone finally had found me useful. I had done it. So I left college thinking that all my struggles are over.

So 4 years of uphill struggle and from now on, it’ll all be smooth I thought. I’ve had enough of mugging, copying, writing exams and stalking my crush like a creep.

When I started working, here’s how my life went.

1st Week : Hell yea, I’m a professional. Look at all the smart people here.

2nd Week: Wait, This is something new. Something fun.

3rd Week: This isn’t what I studied or read. But I’m learning something cool.

4th week : Fuck knowledge, Fuck being desperate for money. I got my first salary, so Middle finger to growth and doing what you love.

5th Week : Oh no, This isn’t what I ordered.

6th Week : Is there a reverse button to my life somewhere. I just wanna go few months back.

2nd Month : What Am I doing?

3rd month : Why Am I still doing?

I broke down. It was all just too hard to accept. May be I had set bars too high for myself. I had over thought and dreamed of fantasies. Life was taking it’s toll. I just couldn’t breathe.

I was walking down the lane and just collapsed. I just sat and watched people go by, the vehicles and the city life. Rahul called me and asked why I wasn’t in the PG yet. I told him i’m on my way and continued staying in a state of reverie. I was stressed the whole time. I tried to be ubiquitous studying for other exams, joining a course and acting in a short film. I threw my hands at everything.

All this attempts lead me nowhere. While I was trying too much, thinking too much and planning too much, Life happened. I gave up everything because I couldn’t change it. I had lost it. I didn’t know what I was doing.

Some more days passed. I started writing a Journal. I read blogs and lots and lots of books. I even wrote more on my blog. I made friends. I went out and had good food. All these little things finally made me to settle mentally and not worry too much at this time.

I slowed down. I got adjusted to the pace of the universe.

I am still doing the same job but I don’t know if everything i did for last 4 years  4 moths make sense or not, but I am content. I am in love with present tense 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of Droplets and Thoughts

They stood still like they were cautious that everything might collapse. They were holding onto something which only a poet or an artist can understand. No one around them made a sound. They would fall any minute. I knew, but I simply watched them play their part. I had woken up and it had rained heavily. Looked like everything was repainted for something new.

Through the window, I looked at the streets. The window had been washed and was clean as a crystal with some water drops caught in a web. Oh the drops of water. Did the rain gods scattered you on what they thought was a Cartesian plane? Because I think you have been eclectically sprinkled on this glass sheet so as to capture your fall.

As I breathed through my mouth, the window glass became a unfathomable mystery. A moment later, the glass was Lucid again. The breathing duties were shifted back to my nose. It was very calm. The bus danced through Indian roads but their ability to stand still was uncanny.

I started to count. 23 water droplets stuck on a 2D plane. Not aware of any chaos around. After I got in the bus, I was very angry at myself for not bringing an earphone. There was no network signal to even chat or call. May be it had to be like that. Me going on a journey from office to a better place. And most importantly, spending time with myself.

Watching these droplets was the only thing I did. Many villages passed behind the glass but my gaze was constant. Can I connect myself to them? Do they know they’re being watched? 

A sudden break was applied and the drops moved down few centimeters. They followed a similar pattern as if they all had decided, they would all go down together. It was peaceful. Minutes later, I was feeling less anxious. I was wondering whether my thoughts could be like them. Undisturbed.

I started to speak to them. I felt weird and stupid. But I knew they were listening. My thoughts were parallel with the droplets but on a different plane. They were still too. I wished they stayed the same. I smiled and saw my face distorted in each of the droplets. I had studied in Physics why they tend to have a spherical shape but laughed again because frankly, I didn’t understand a thing about surface tension. The surface tension in my mind was momentarily gone and I was just happy about that.

Then came a Juggernaut of a water drop out of nowhere and rolled right through the middle of this abstract canvas and what remained was just the debris. The new picture made no sense to me as the previous beauty did. I opened the window and my village was near. My thought which were still now went back to being squandered and a recondite analogy was just evidenced stronger.   

 

Drafts

The Letter  I didn’t Send

The Poem I didn’t End

The Story I stopped writing in the middle

A crisp thought that later became a riddle

The mundane task I keep doing

which conflicts my interest and the reason why I am Limping

My scratchy career and my never ending to-do List

The Gifts I wrapped for her Birthday

The Outsized Kurta I brought for my brother’s Wedding day

A dream to make my mom prouder

Saved pages and bookmarks in my browser

Thousands lines I deleted because they didn’t rhyme

and the people I befriended in the meantime

The words I held back in arguments and fights

The Batman painting I trashed because the symmetry wasn’t right

And all the things I couldn’t do last night

Are the DRAFTS and remain incomplete

Only to be touched and left undone

Off Course I am!

Off Course I am!

Wandering in a hopeless Parade,

With my hands inside the pocket,

and some dirt on my cloth.

The time blows whistles

Constantly reminding me that

It’s too late to correct anything.

Cold wind blows

Drying tears that were

as off course as I am

on the craters in my face.

Unspoken Things

So that’s what we are now?

Two Old Friends

Who text two times a day,

For wishing each other

Good mornings and Good nights!

 

Tell me,

That there’s something more,

Apart from these pale blue ticks

That what’s between us is real,

That what we had years ago,

Has thrived to be the same,

And will remain the same.

If it isn’t worth showing,

Then it isn’t worth caring.

 

Make me believe that,

Behind those Dark clouds

Is a bright sun.

Behind that dense smoke

Is a cold breeze.

Behind that Red mystic veil,

Is a face I had once seen.

 

Stop running down the riptide,

Turn back and show me the real Side,

The one which you don’t hide,

Because There is a reason

I had shied away from telling you

Why I Once Cried.

Bleak

Drowning in an endless sea,

He wishes to swim,

If only he knew how to swim!

What’s not bleak to him?

Maybe a swift Whim,

To reminisce

‘bout all that is extant,

Because the End is not distant.

Silence.

I’ve been conversing with silence.

I receive its words through the air,

causing tremors in my contrite soul,

telling “I too can Talk, Only if you can closely listen”

The sound of Silence is,

as peaceful as a lake,

It has something new to say,

It doesn’t hold back it’s tongue,

It isn’t afraid of if I would get hurt.

It can be your best friend

when no one’s around,

It can be a Savior

when the chaos surrounds,

Looking at it’s enormity,

my thoughts stay still,

mesmerized by how can something so intangible,

can touch my heart.

 

The One about How Stupid I am.

If my understanding of the world is correct, then, it must be true that the only way to look cool today is by doing less stupid things. This world is full of stupid people. You cannot be intelligent and smart. You can only be less stupid than the others. Just like in maths exam, you might have gotten the final answer wrong but there will be another guy, who would have taken wrong values of X and Y. Not any of this is reflected in this post but while you’re reading this, at some point, you can relate how stupid I was and how less stupid I could have been. Next time you see me, you can come to me and say, “I’ve been more stupid than you” or say, “Compared to me, you are just a baboon with a B.E Degree”.

Let’s cut to the chase.

My friends had planned for a weekend getaway. Since, I don’t go out too much, I agreed to join them so that I can get some fresh air outside the workplace. To be super honest, my workplace stinks of armpits, socks and compilation errors. As the weekend neared, I grew more excited. The day had arrived. Friday. I was just 12 hours away from meeting 3 new people from work, in a place miles away. I was just 24 hours away from getting texts from one of those three people saying “You’re not like how you look”. I was just 24 hours and 1 minute away from looking at my phone screen and laughing, “why do people keep confounding me for a different person”.

But, shit happened. There were drummers outside the office who had just finished a masterclass performance and were ready for an encore. I am a shy person so I had avoided the dance on the previous occasion. But on Friday, I was plain stupid. I was mesmerized by their performance so some idiot part of my brain pushed me to a pool of sweating men, dancing to their own beats. I kept my glasses inside my pocket and went like this.

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Few minutes later, A guy nudged me and handed me something saying “are these yours?”. Yes, they were mine. My broken glasses. That was a sign that, in 24 hours and 1 minute, I’ll be staring at a blurred screen. I still kept dancing and when the beat stopped I noticed that I had hurt myself. The hard nail of my left leg’s thumb had come off. Almost come off and had started to bleed a little. All my predictions about the next 24 hours were flushed down the toilet.

My stupid saga didn’t end there. The sad part of it.

Today, it repeated. Only worse.

A very close friend of mine had moved to Bangalore, a month back. I hadn’t met her because I WAS BUSY? 

I went to the place she had shared the location of. Google maps, I love you. I was happy to see her. She still carried that charm she had it in college. She had only grown prettier ever since. (Spoiler: She has a boyfriend and it is not me). She is Khaleesi and I am Ser Jorah Mormont. I don’t why I keep referencing Game of Thrones, but you’ll know how good this comparison is if you have watched the show. 

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We talked near her bike until our legs started to hurt. We then moved to a quiet place and sat on a bench. We talked there until mosquitoes sucked 2 liters of our blood. We then moved a Cafe Coffee day and A lot DID happen over a coffee.

It was my second time in my life that I had gone to a CCD. Both times, I was getting paid. Or else which stupid on earth would pay such amount of money for a cup of coffee. Last time, I had gone with my best bros. Rahul and Shubham. They had ordered and I drank all of it without even knowing the name of the thing I was drinking.

Life has come full circle. Today, as the waitress handed me the menu, I didn’t know what to order. Every item on the menu was something similar which I might have heard in a sitcom or read in a book. But, I didn’t know what was what and what tasted how.

Think Einstein, think.

I thought of flipping the pages in serious look to make an impression that the items in the current page weren’t interesting but unfortunately, it was one long sheet. I checked twice if the pages had got stuck. Nope. It was just one piece of paper with words I had no idea of.

Just yesterday, I was searching “what is the drag coefficient of tassels in flying carpets?”. Just Yesterday, I was reading about the mandelbrot set  of complex numbers. And today, I didn’t know, as simple thing as the difference between a cappuccino and a latte. Or even, what they were. If you are thinking of kow towing me for mentioning two things you haven’t heard in your lifetime, step back. I am the knowledgeable stupid who doesn’t know what a cappuccino is. 

I looked at her casually and told her to order something. It was a desperate attempt to come out of this uncomfortable situation, but she told “you please order na”. I took my phone and texted every BRO I knew on this earth. I even pinged a girl, who is my bro ( No, Barnabus Stinson, I haven’t let her read the Bro code.)

Nobody replied. I ordered the second thing on the menu just by reading it out as if I consume it every day.

“Two regular cappuccino please”. Here is how I said cappuccino – KAPPUCHCHEENOO.

“What flavor Sir?”.

That was it. I didn’t know a shit about anything.

“What flavors are there?”.

She muttered some few names I had never heard and stopped at Chocolate.

“Chocolate Flavor, Please”.

I wanted her to just vanish and bring the fucking thing. But no, She still asked another question.

“You need any sandwiches. We have a combo offer”.

Meri maa, just bring two chocolate flavored hot cappuccinos for Jesus Christ’s sake.

She brought two cappuccinos and placed them on our table. The tray had, two cappuccinos, some sugar,  tissue papers and spoons. Another conundrum. Should I drink it from the cup or from the spoon? 

I came up with too many hypotheses on why a spoon was provided and whether I should drink it from the cup or not. I applied Occam’s Razor too. This time, it was bro Gautham to rescue me from any further embarrassments. While I was waiting for her to start so that I can follow her lead, he had texted me to go with the hypothesis that says “Spoon for mixing the sugar, Cup for drinking the Cappuccino”.

All this time, I hadn’t given my attention was to a single thing she was saying. I was just nodding to every sentence she ended. She didn’t know how many things I had in my mind during all this. She will know after reading this. We finished our cappuccinos and it ended well overall. I waved her goodbye and as I walked towards the bus stop, I said to myself “You have so many things to learn apart from physics and computers, because, Life is hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid “.

To Stupidity and Beyond.

The Bunker Bed Conundrum.

If only I could foresee the shocks life brings in front me, I can bother less about all the strangeness that surrounds me. It is not like I haven’t said this in my other blog posts. It is just that it keeps repeating as if there was a recurring pattern of dreadful climaxes. Every month that has passed by has left me with one strange incident that makes me look at the month in a different way.

Like

August – “The month I pushed the toilet door on a guy since he hadn’t closed the door with the sign ENGAGED”

September – “The month I sat on a ladies seat and almost got fined 200Rs”

October- ” The month I saw a guy doing online Lingerie shopping”

November- “The month I started sleeping on Bunker beds”

Yes, People Yes. Just yesterday, I moved to a new PG where there are only bunker beds. Even though, the bed has a safety iron rail that stops me from falling down, I am just too over conscious sometimes. What if I roll over and my obituary reads “death by falling off a bed”. I entered the room hoping that I will get the bottom cot since I hate climbing a smaller mount Everest every 10 minutes. My hopes vanished as I clearly saw the bottom cots occupied by a college student who was busy preparing for internals.

I introduced myself to my new roommates. It was indeed a great conversation. I said, “I feel like quitting my job and doing higher studies”. They both gave a similar stare and replied, “We feel like quitting our college as soon as possible and start working”. What an interesting contrasts in interests. One guy, dared to ask me “How did you end up here?”.

Where do I begin? Should I start with how I chose CS when there were 10 other branches I didn’t notice? Or how I had a wrong thinking that I knew enough to make decisions on my own? Or to the day I wrote CET with no idea of what is the atomic number of nitrogen? Or to the day I chose to study PCMB?

I broke down all of it to a simple sentence as ” I did BE and here I am looking like a clown”. They nodded and asked, “So you are an engineer right?”.

“I am actually an SQA. See there are developers, testers, designers and…..” I stopped looking at their blank faces.

“Is it like starks, Lannisters from Game of thrones?”

I high fived the guy telling him that I am a big fan of the game of thrones too.

“Look, in that case, I am a seven-faced god” I chuckled.

“Bro, I am still in 3rd season”. I mollified him saying that it wasn’t a spoiler.

I was confused. After placing everything in the cupboard, I stood in front of the cot thinking, how am I gonna climb this thing, how am I gonna cover it with a bedsheet. Somehow I went up and arranged my things. It was time for dinner. I sat up straight thinking again – how am I gonna get down?

Later, I avoided going up to my bed and spent the most time sitting on a chair reading novel and chatting. When I felt my conversations had no point and I had lost concentration in reading the book, I turned back to see if they were still reading. They still were. The other guy asked another blunder of a question.

“Anna, can I play Telugu Songs on the loudspeaker, because if I use headphones, my head will start to throb”. Actually, My head had already had started.

“Yes, you can. No problem”. I lied to them so that I don’t look like a dick on the first day itself.

An hour passed and it was getting quiet as each second passed. I am getting used to this quietness these days. There is only one person who speaks with me – my inner voice. Dude, what are you doing with your life? I tried to shut him up, but it was a vain attempt. I got up, climbed the Everest and the drama happened.

When I was climbing up, the guy sleeping in the below bed woke up and looked at me in his sleepy eyes. Then, he was asleep the next moment. I kept my phone aside setting an alarm and covered myself. I rolled to the left side of the cot that is away from the safety iron rails. It was lightning outside and it was like someone was aiming flashing lights at me through the window. So I rolled over to the other side and the whole bed moved like the earth shook. The guy below woke up very much pissed and he might have rolled as well. And readers, as you may recall from physics,

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The equilibrium was disturbed and the system was in an utter chaos. I rolled towards the window because the side that I was sleeping now wasn’t my regular side and change is never good. The guy rolled again but this time with an irritating sound “Tchhh”. How can I not get disturbed by the fact that I am disturbing a guy? This continued for few more minutes and he woke up and asked, “Could you stop doing that, please?”. Let’s not overthink what he asked but the way he asked was “Stop having hypothetical sex”.

My alarms couldn’t wake me up the next day and the guy below poked me and said, “Dude, It’s 8, we are leaving for college”. I was relegated from being called BRO to DUDE. I had lost it. As I sit now facing at the clock to go near 7:30, I am thinking, What in the fresh hell is going to happen today.